"Everyone who lives, sooner or later, grieves.  Grief is the aftermath of any deeply felt loss.  Since we all experience losses, large and small, we all feel grief now and then.  Grief comes early.  Grief stays late.  We will all know the pain of grief."

Many who are grieving feel that no one understands the depth and significance of the the loss.  Though pain is widespread, it is not evenly distributed.  Each individual responds to grief differently.  Responses vary with each individual according to temperament, background, emotional and physical health, age, the maturity of one's faith, past losses, as well as a host of other reasons.  A current loss can trigger unresolved losses from the past.  Sadly, sometimes people turn to unhealthy measures to dull the pain of a loss.  My father turned to alcohol after losing his best friend and brother.  He would drink for the next 40 years, devastating our family. My mother suffered unbelievable multiple losses as a young woman and thus would struggle with depression for the rest of her life.  No, I do not know your grief, but I have seen what it can do if we do not seek healthy resolution.

Grief is a change in our lives without our permission.  We grieve the loss of a job, our health, a relationship, dreams, goals, and those we love that are no longer with us.  Certain times of the year accentuate our losses, often anniversary dates.  The holidays are very, very difficult.  Society places such emphasis on the cheer and excitement of the season.  When someone is mourning the loss of his or her loved one, holiday cheer is difficult, if not impossible, to muster.  Be aware that many of those who are wearing a big smile and wishing all a "Merry Christmas" are the loneliest and are simply acting.

Often, the holidays cause one to recall painful memories associated with the season, such as Uncle Harry getting drunk and putting his hands where they should not be.  Or the mother who told her six-year-old stepdaughter that she was not "good" this year and Santa did not leave her anything.  Or maybe this is the first year that an ex-spouse, with their new partner, gets the children on Christmas day, leaving you alone.  These are examples of pain and loss related to the holidays, a loss of how life "should have been".

How does one get through, how does one manage the season?  There are things we can do to manage our grief in healthy ways.  People from a grief recovery group have told me that after a loss the holidays were different.  They stated that they missed their loved one, but actually some moments were still enjoyable, but in a strange, new way.  Perhaps a deeper gratitude and awareness of the moment and meaning of life was experienced.  The loss of a loved one redefines the Christmas season, along with the rest of your life.  The following are some helpful tips shared with me from various sources.  They are applicable to all losses.

Nurture Yourself.
Be your own best friend.  Take care of yourself by giving yourself the pleasure of a good book, a massage, a special trip, or whatever nurtures you.  Also, allow yourself to say "no" to demands that you truly do not feel you can, or want, to do this year.

Share Your Grief With Others.
A good friend or a small support group where one can talk honestly is a tremendous resource.  Perhaps a group activity could be arranged, such as preparing food for the poor or homeless, serving in the soup line, or obtaining toys for needy children.  Healing of wounds begins when we share with fellow travelers.

Journal.
Take time to sit down and write, letting everything flow out onto paper.  Write until you have exhausted your thoughts.  The greatest thing about a journal is that no one will ever read it unless you allow them to.  These are your private thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc.

Journaling remains an incredible therapeutic tool for everyone.  I like to use different color pens and markers, doodle if you like, and don't worry about grammar or spelling.

Create a New Tradition.
Create a new tradition that honors the loss of a loved one such as planning a get together for family members and special friends.  Let each person share their favorite memory of simply engage in an activity together such as making a food basket, or donating time or money to a favorite charity or needy family in memory of the one you lost.

The new tradition may mean taking a trip together.  One family that I know prepares a meal for the Ronald McDonald House on the anniversary of their son's death.  Do whatever works for you.

Talk About Your Loved One
It is so important to talk about your loved one that is no longer with you.  At first, friends and family may find this difficult, but soon the stories and memories will begin to flow.

My oldest adopted child lost both her parents as a teenager and we make a point to talk about her parents whenever the subject arises.  My youngest adopted child is from China, and he misses his foster mother.  We ask him to tell us stories of their lives together and he beams with joy in sharing those memories.

Stay Close to God.
I urge you to stay close to God.  Read comforting scripture such as Jeremiah 29:11.  Talk to Him often and share your innermost feelings with Him.  Worship Him in whatever way you feel the greatest connection, whether along or in a group.  Remember, no matter the source of your pain these holidays, there is hope.

As Chuck Poole states, "We grieve, but our grief is amended by the hope that God, who raised Jesus from the dead and brought order out of chaos and triumph out of defeat and joy out of pain, will do as well by us in the future as God has done in the past."

There are many more healthy ways to manage the holidays when grieving.  I encourage you to check out support groups at various churches and to read A Decembered Grief, by Harold Ivan Smith.  Most importantly, do not hesitate to ask for help.